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3 Top Tips For Urban Refugees (From the Country People)



Not pictured: aromas and sounds

Hi, City Folks! We’re your new country neighbors, and this is your welcome basket.

If you live in the country, chances are quite good that you’ve noticed that land prices are shooting up and you’re seeing more and more people with “Coexist” stickers on their bumpers than ever before. If you live in the city, chances are quite good that you are doing everything in your power to get out of that city. It may be because you’ve always dreamed of country life and now COVID-19 has made it so that you can work remotely. It may be because the guy you voted for doesn’t seem interested in law and order, and you’re getting nervous for your safety. Whatever your reason for coming here to the country, welcome! Here are three top tips to make your transition easier.

1. The Circle of Poop

As spring begins, you will open your windows to let in the fresh breeze and the chirping of birds and little bugs as you sleep. In the morning, when you wake, you might smell something. It will be a smelly smell, one that smells smelly. This may very well offend your urban or suburban nostrils, and what’s worse, it won’t immediately go away. You will be tempted to get the Homeowners’ Association on the line. When you realize that there is no HOA out in your new country idyll, you may be tempted to call the police about that awful smell. We country folks recommend that you not do that, and here’s why:

That smell is manure, but the actual proper spelling is “money.” That is the smell of money. And yes, our local law enforcement is aware.

2. No, We Are Not Stalking You

You were driving down the gravel lane, worrying about whether the pebbles will nick your Audi, when your new neighbor passed you in the opposite direction. He did something weird when he did it: He lifted his hand off the wheel and…like…flipped it at you. But he used his whole hand, not just that one City Finger. Then you went to the store and the lady behind the counter, whom you’ve never met, asked you how you’re settling in. Oh, this is so creepy…why can’t people mind their own business? We country folks recommend that you relax, and here’s why:

That guy was waving hello to you, and the reason why the lady behind the counter at Publix knows you’re new here is because there are 200 people in this town. You and your Audi kinda stick out. Yes, it’s a little uncomfortable to realize that you’re no longer anonymous…until you realize that what’s going on here is that you are no longer anonymous because we are welcoming you to our community. We take care of each other out here; we have to. We have law enforcement, and they do their best, but we’re realistic about what they can and can’t do to help us.

Go ahead and wave back, it’s okay. You will start enjoying it very soon.

3. Yes, That Was Gunfire. And So Was That.

You moved here to get away from all the noise, and a lot of the time it really is quiet…but not always. You’ll hear farm equipment. You’ll hear coyotes howling and foxes mating. You’ll also hear a lot of BOOM. And CRRRACK. And PING! PING! PING! As an urban dweller, you don’t have to have that particular sound explained to you. You’re right: That’s gunfire. Your first instinct may be to hit the deck; your second may be to call the local law enforcement. We country folks recommend that you take a moment to reassess before you do that, and here’s why:

The people who already live here know what the local laws are for shooting outdoors, and they’ve been doing it all their lives. They’re not threatening you or anyone else, and what they are doing is (almost certainly) legal. What’s more, it says absolutely nothing about the shooters, their political views, or anything else. In the country, guns are tools…no more, no less.

What you are hearing is freedom, ringing. Let it.

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