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3 Idiots You’ll Meet in the Backwoods This Spring

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Brace yourself, outdoorsmen: The newbies are coming.

The Coronavirus pandemic is teaching America lots of new things, from the true value of toilet paper to the fact that staying inside the same four walls is truly unnatural to the human condition. Slowly, the nation is realizing that it’s a lot easier to practice social distancing in the outdoors than it is in the cities…and we now have a lot of people desperate to get away from the couch that has now developed a permanent butt-shaped divot. Experienced hikers, hunters, backpackers and campers know what that means: a huge influx of idiots. Here are the three you’re most likely to meet during your backwoods adventures this spring…

1. The Woefully Unprepared Idiot

The Woefully Unprepared Idiot may or may not look woefully unprepared. We all know that it isn’t necessary to be decked out in special technical clothing and REI’s hottest assortment of doodads to have a good time in the wilderness, but this guy takes it to a new level. He brought a flashlight, yeah, but he guesses the batteries musta run out. Uh, yeah, he’s got some beef jerky here, but it’s sure making him thirsty and the canteen he’s had since Boy Scouts 20 years ago has been empty for three hours…he’s thinking about a nice long drink from that fresh-looking stream. It’s in Nature, so it must be healthier than soda pop, right?

And do you think the Woefully Unprepared Idiot brought enough toilet paper to deal with the resulting giardia infection? No, of course not, but in all fairness there really isn’t any such thing as enough TP for a bout of giardia.

2. The Woefully Overprepared Idiot

The Woefully Overprepared Idiot is a lot easier to spot than his underprepared brethren. In fact, you may be able to smell him before you see him, because his gear is so new it still smells of the Chinese shipping container it came over to America in. His enormous backpack, which you wouldn’t bother with for any less than a two-week wilderness camp, creaks and groans as he galumphs along with the gait of a prospector’s pack mule. His spotless shoes are busy rubbing the hot spots at his heels into blisters that will rise, burst, and rise again, but when he gets to his campsite and proceeds to build an entire Air BnB from the 80 pounds on his back, he figures he’ll have the last laugh.

And do you think the Woefully Overprepared Idiot has actually tested or broken in any of that gear? No, of course not, but he’ll have the fanciest outdoor shower on the planet…and if Woefully Unprepared Idiot is lucky, Overprepared will let him use it in between bouts of giardia squitters.

3. The Instagram Idiot

This is a brand-new kind of idiot, one that’s only appeared in the last 10 years. This idiot turns the concept of “leave only footprints, take only photographs” up to 11 by taking approximately one photograph per footprint. On some level, the Instagram Idiot is aware that they’re ruining the whole point of being in the outdoors by experiencing it entirely through a camera lens, but such concerns have long since fallen by the trailside like so many crumpled wads of toilet paper. The Instagram Idiot believes that unless they have not only documented and posted every moment of their journey to the Internet, but also received sufficient “likes” and “shares,” their outdoor experiences don’t count.

And do you believe that the Instagram Idiot won’t trample every field of wildflowers, scribble over priceless and irreplaceable aboriginal art, and block every scenic overlook with their dumb photo shoots? Of course they’ll do that…but hopefully they’ll put the camera down long enough to keep from falling off cliffs and taking up Search and Rescue’s time.

Of course, we all started out as “idiots in the outdoors,” and most of us have learned what to do–and not to do–from our mistakes. And the fact that the woods and fields are about to start seeing more visitors is, in the long run, good for all of us. The more people realize that our wild spaces are necessary to the health of our nation, the better it will be. So, when you run into one (or all) of these Outdoor Idiots, help them if you can…of course, from 6 feet or more away.

What idiots have you met in the backwoods? Tell us in the comments!

 

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Comments

  1. We need to do away with seat belt laws, no surfing during hurricane laws and every common sense law that deprives mother nature from claiming the lives of complete idiots. It’s a fact that because everyone is so busy watching out for these people we are now completely awash with idiots. We need to do away with these foolish laws and allow nature to take its course and reset the balance.

  2. MY ALL TIME FAVORITES ARE THE #1. I USED TO BE A PACKER IN THE HIGH SIERRAS. AN LAWFIRM OUT OF LOS ANGELES WOULD SEND 5 NEW ATTORNEYS TO BE OACKED INTO THE HIGH COUNTRY(8HRS 1 WAY ON HORSEBACK) TO SPEND 14DAYS ALONE. I COULDN’T BELIEVE THE CRAP THEY THOUGHT THEY WOULD OR COULD TAKE WITH THEM !!! 2 CHANGES OF CLOTHES EVERY DAY !!! THEY WERE PISSED WHEN I TOLD THEM ONLY 2-3 PAIR OF PANTS N SHIRTS PERIOD…. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA THEY THOUGHT THEY NEW HOW TO FISH. ALL THE TACKLE THE BOUGHT 9/10’S GOT LEFT BEHIND. I CAME BACK AFTER 7 DAYS TO CHECK ON THEM. I HAD SHOWED THEM HOW TO LOOK FOR SOAP IN THE GROUND,MINORS LETTUCE AND FISHING BAIT. THEY LOOKED MIGHTY RUFF BUNCH

  3. Well since mid 1950s at 5 years old my father a WWII vet would take me backpacking when it was very very rare to se a satillite across the pristine night sky. Getting up catching fresh trout and make biscuits. Then on to 8 my parents would start letting me solo backpack in spring, summer and Fall into washatch mountains to 11,000 ft peaks. Still eating fresh trout, squirrels for at first over night then by nine for 4 nights. So today I go where idiots don’t go to see a soul. Back then my equipment was WWII surplus down mummy bag, a big enough rubberized tarp, plywood pack frame with a rubberized bag to tie on frame with a small bivwack pack and utinsels. With a old Remington bolt action 22. Never got lost and by I was a sophomore in high school I was backpacking 80 to 100 mile treks. Never did run into a complete idiot! I never was hurt, wasn’t luck I had a survivalist father. People read stuff and think they can handle anything. No they can’t! They need baby steps one step at a time. Be aware of surroundings, learn Murphy’s Law, and never over take any chances.

  4. My personal favorites are folks who go into the woods appropriately dressed the weather at the moment, but not what’s forecast or may occur. And their only survival tool is a cellphone.
    Usually, if they find trouble, it’s in an area with no service.

  5. About 15 years ago I say a superimposed mentally lacking man go up to a Bison male. Huge magnificient animal to take a picture. My wife said is he really going to get that close. About then the buffalo’s eyes went red and charged the gentleman. They had to remove the guy from almost 20 up in the tree. I read in he paper the next day that he wasn’t hurt. Just scratched and scrapped with some real sore spots. A very lucky man

    • You see that all the time. Reminds me of the elk that ended up being shot because of an ignorant idiot taking a photo right next to it. People who need to do something stupid need to be heavily fined and/or time in jail for causing a wild animal stress and possibly death.

      • I agree. If people cannot respect the animal and give it the distance it needs to feel safe then they get what the deserve but, unfortunately, sometimes it is more costly for the animal.

  6. The one that I remember most is when I was in Yellowstone several years ago. Alonmg a trail, a few of us spied a female grizzly and a couple of cubs down an embankment about 200-250 yards away turning over a rotten log to look for food. Certainly close enough to look but keeping a healthy respect for mom at a distance. All of sudden, a bonifide idiot woman showed up along the trail and decided to go down to pet the bear. For a moment we tried to convince her otherwise but then I decided to just let nature take over and watch the action. Hey, why deprive the bears. As divine intervention happened (this is a true story) a ranger came along the trail just as she had gone about 75 yards. I have never seen such a look of “What in the ***** am I looking at?” in my life. The ranger ran after and grabbed the woman. I felt sorry for the ranger and the bear. Some people just seem bent on getting what they deserve.

  7. I’m the guy that goes into the wilderness with nothing but empty packs and bags. By the time I’m ready to go home, I have filled them up with everything that “professional” outdoorsmen have discarded on their latest adventure. Some people really suck!

  8. The idiots that drive me to distraction are people on quads. OK, not all quad owners are bad, but there is a subset of quad owners that are not only idiots, but dangerous idiots. Absolutely nothing will ruin your enjoyment of wilderness tranquility more than a quad engine revving at it’s maximum RPM. This is usually followed by several quads flying around the corner 50 feet behind you traveling full speed ahead. Having to jump out of the way to avoid being flattened by someone with a can of beer in one hand and howling like a banshee does not make for a pleasant afternoon. Of course this usually happens on trails marked “No Motorized Vehicles Allowed.”

    • Amen to that Jim! It’s 90% of them are the Razor and those high speed rail clubs. Hunters not so bad…

  9. There are different levels of unpreparedness, over preparedness, and the incomprehensible. I’m not sure which is more disturbing; the partier don’t give a hoot about the place they are, or those that bring young children and don’t seem to pay enough attention to what they are doing? Living in a mountainous region, the latter has probably disturbed me the most. Especially when I see people walking along trail that is only a 18-24″ wide and has loose or unstable footing . . . and they are carrying their young one on their shoulders! One slip and . . . well you know. Of course, if they put the youngster down, it could be bye bye as well . . . maybe they should be left with Grandma or a neighbor for the day. Or find safer trail to traverse with them. The partiers destroy the atmosphere of the outdoors with (as stated elsewhere) with their hooting and music . . . and some that also think the mountain roads are their private race course for their souped up compact car. I was found about two cases of butane cartridges empty, behind bushes, near where a campfire had been a day or two earlier. Guess someone was cooking up some special mind altering goods back there. So be careful where you go, and watch out for the unknowing, uncaring.

  10. I met the guy with the “Indiana Jones” fedora and the 80-pound backpack. The padded side of his pack’s sliding shoulder straps were reversed because he thought they belonged “on the outside”. He thanked me for twisting them in the right direction.

  11. The arrogant and over confident idiot. He ‘says’ he knows 32 ways to start a fire without matches or lighter, knows 20 ways to filter/purify H2O using only what he can find in the woods, can set up 10 different types of emergency shelters, says he knows everything about plant life and can identify 600 species that are ‘OK’ and brings no toilet paper because he knows what to use in the wild. Takes a ‘big one’, due to the water he ‘purified’ and some ‘berry’ he ate…. and then promptly wipes his nether region with poison ivy. (I’ve actually seen all of this done) A big ego can be deadly.
    “A man has got to know his limitations.”—Clint Eastwood

    • My cousin, then a Boy Scout (!), made the mistake of wiping with poison ivy! He didn’t enjoy the after-effects. 😉

      • When I was in Marine training we were ordered to camo up using available materials. As a boot, I grabbed some terrific looking green plants – poison ivy. Spent a day in sick bay then was miserable days afterwards.

  12. I grew up in nature in the Swiss mountains. From early on we are tought to leave nothing behind in the outdoors, like after a picknick for example. It becomes second nature. Unfortunately not everybody is being brought up the same way. Which is particularly sad in this wonderful country with all its beautiful nature.

  13. You were a lot of help. Here I am depressed, feeling like the 4 walls are collapsing in on me. My thoughts wander thinking that I now know how it must feel to be in prison and stuck there for years. Then I read your article about the inevitable “Woefully Unprepared Outdoorsmen” and “Instagram Idiot”. I must tell you, it didn’t help. But just then I walked into the bathroom to take care of business. First, I flipped a switch and a light came on. I then sat down and was able to do what I came in there to do. I then walked over to the sink and the water flowed. Since I had soap, I was able to wash my hands. I felt so much better.

  14. This> “he’s thinking about a nice long drink from that fresh-looking stream.”. I have been drinking from ground water for about 65 years now, never got sick. I know how to drink from still water and where to drink from live. Granted I don’t recommend it for most and if you live inside the city limits or daily water rations comes from a city, don’t drink the water.

    • Amen Bro, Same here. Very seldom had access to city water so always drank and used spring and well water. No fluorine, no chlorine. I believe this allowed my system to acclimate to slight impurities over time and allow me to drink stream water with impunity. I’ve never drank still water because there was always flowing water nearby.

  15. Typical idiots that I run into are the partiers that you find within a mile of the trailhead. They drag in hatchets and huge amounts of trash, Hack on every tree in sight, build big fires in (and out) of fire rings, whoop like gibbons all night and leave a smoldering mess the next morning. The next most common for me are the “Sunday hikers”. They hit the trail around 1:30 pm on Sunday, sometimes still in their church clothes. Inappropriate footwear, no jacket, no hat or sunscreen, no water, no map or even a trail guide, cell phone with 10% battery charge. They get themselves about 4 miles in, then poop out exhausted, feet blistered, sunburned, cold, thirsty and it’s starting to mist rain. They need 3 hours to find their way back to their car and sunset is in 2.

  16. it is great that more and more people have decided to enter in to the great adventure of the wild wilderness. What troubles me the most is that these parks and facilities are mostly funded (grossly underfunded) by the purchase of hunting and fishing licenses. About 99 % of the population has no clue that these areas are on the brink of collapsing due to there lack of financial support. There needs to be more light shed on this pandemic!