3 Bow-Season Prayers to St. Nugent

These are the prayers I’ll be directing to St. Nugent for the next 10 weeks or so…

Archery season begins soon, and you know what that means: Lots of clueless people tromping around in my favorite hunting spot while I sit in my treestand and seethe. While I get ready for bow-season opening day, here’s my three-point bow-season wish list. I’ll be directing this in prayer format to the patron saint of bowhunters, Ted Nugent, for the next 10 weeks or so…

I like to call this picture “Ex Wife’s Xmas Present.”

Please, Let the Hikers Wear Orange

If I had a nickel for every time I’ve watched hikers and backpackers go strolling into the autumn woods while dressed from head to toe in various shades of brown, topped off with a nice white wool cap, I’d have…well, at least enough to buy a cup of fancy coffee. I, personally, am quite confident that I can tell an actual whitetail deer from a clueless hiker who’s just doing his best impression of one. I just find it remarkable that so many of these granola-eaters are just as confident in my abilities (as well as those of everyone else who’s hunting these woods right now). Dear St. The Nuge, if you could just let the hikers wear blaze orange this year, even if it’s only a cap or a vest…

Please, Let the Hikers Leash Their Dogs

Yes, I am just jealous that he’s a better hunter than I am. So?

It doesn’t confuse me why people keep energetic dogs that were originally bred for hunting purely as pets. Even among the ranks of Man’s Best Friend, dogs bred for hunting are uniquely in tune with their owners, a trait that usually makes them terrific family pets. What does confuse me is why those same people would then take dogs that were bred to hunt but not trained to do so with a human partner out in the woods…and then let them off-leash. Off-leash dogs represent a real threat to wildlife and to themselves, especially at this time of year. Dear Motor City Madman, please let the hikers leash their dogs this year…

Please, Let the Hikers Not Feed the Bears

But he’s so cute, though.

We’ve talked in the past about the fact that black bears don’t usually represent much of a threat to human beings. There are a couple of exceptions to that rule, but chief among them is bears that have come to associate people with food. Ask any forest ranger or wildlife biologist, and they’ll tell you: A fed bear is a dead bear. That’s because bears that have lost their natural fear of humans because they’ve been getting handouts from us will–much like that panhandler who got mad when you only gave him $5 instead of the $10 he wanted–get aggressive with humans who are refusing to give that handout. Once they get aggressive, they usually have to be put down. So please, Dear Saint Cat Scratch Fever, this bow season…let the hikers not feed the bears.

What’s on your bow-season prayer list?